


Dying to Live

by matthews



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Multi, Other, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Triggers, past Nitori/Rin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 07:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matthews/pseuds/matthews
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rei just wanted the pain to end, at whatever cost, even if it meant death. But in the process of ending the pain, Rei discovered someone who made him want to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to get this first chapter up so that I could get feedback. I'm sorry for it being short, however I'll be updating with a longer chapter soon :)

Rei did not belong here. He belonged home. At school. Not here. Not where sick people lived. Not where people died.

He gazed at the ceiling. Lying on a bed waiting for a psychiatrist to enter the room, he thought about his predicament. What am I doing here. How had he gotten this bad. This was never supposed to happen. He had only wanted a release from the pain. He didn’t want to strike a major vein. He didn’t mean to bleed out enough to cause death. He glanced to his right arm. What little skin wasn’t covered in a white bandage was painted with scars. He curled his hand into a fist. Why me?

“Rei Ryugazaki?”             

Rei glanced up at the doctor entering the room with a meek smile.

“You doing okay?”

Rei shrugged. The doctor raised an eyebrow, encouraging Rei to speak. “I guess. I didn’t mean to do this.” He looked at his arm. “I don’t know, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” The doctor flipped open a notebook. “Doctor J is fine, by the way. Now, I’m going to ask you some questions. Feel free to elaborate and let your words wander. Just please answer honestly. This is for your own good.”

The questions were stereotypical. Drugs, alcohol, thoughts, suicide. At the end of the session, Doctor J closed his book with a heavy sigh. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay with us for a few days.”

Rei shook his head, worried. “I can’t. I have to go to school. I have to pretend I’m okay. I’ll never do it again, I promise. Please don’t make me stay here.”

“Rei this isn’t your decision. I know you don’t want to stay here. But you nearly died. We need to help you.”     

Rei opened his mouth to speak but was silenced with a shake of the doctor’s head. Tears bloomed. He didn’t want to stay with a bunch of psychopaths for God knows how long. He would fall behind in school. People would talk. There would be rumors. He was doomed.

“I’ll go talk to your parents, would you like to stay here?”

Rei wiped tears from his swollen eyes. “Yeah.”

Doctor J nodded and reached into his pocket, revealing a pager. He pressed the only button on it and mumbled something into the microphone. Seconds later, a nurse entered the room and Doctor J took his leave. “I’ll be back soon, Rei.”

Are you fucking kidding me, thought Rei. He had been deemed so mentally unstable that he couldn’t be left alone for three minutes?

“Hello Rei.” Rei looked up at the female nurse addressing him. It was the same woman who examined him earlier. “I’m Miho. I’ll be your main nurse during your time here. You may remember me from earlier. Are you feeling okay?”

Rei shook his head. “I want to go home.”

Miho sighed.

“Will I have to stay with a bunch of psychopaths?”

Miho gave a meek laugh. “Only one. The boys ward is fairly good, behavior wise. There’s four of them. I’m sure they’ll introduce themselves.”

Rei tried to remember the events of the past day. He had cut, really deep. He just wanted to feel something. He wanted to be in control. It had bled so much. The blood practically flowed from his wound. Before he knew it his head had hit the floor and his parents came running into the room. He couldn’t remember much after that until he woke up naked in the emergency room, a doctor stitching up his right arm and Miho examining what felt like every square inch of his body for further damage. He heard his mother wailing outside the room and that’s when he blocked everything out, waiting for it to be over.

Doctor J opened the door. “Well, your parents are fine with you staying. They signed the papers and they just left, as it’s late and you should get a good sleep. They’ll be in tomorrow during visiting hours.”

Rei nodded. He didn’t feel like he could do much else. “Miho,” Doctor J asked. “Would you bring Rei to the ward?”

“Certainly, come with me, Rei. We’ll check you in.”

Rei numbly stood and followed the nurse out of the room. He was wearing a white hospital gown and not much else. Nothing else, in fact, besides his glasses. He felt exposed. He felt vulnerable. And that was his least favorite feeling.

“Before we started stitching you up, we took your clothes and everything on you and put it in a basket. We transferred the basket down to the ward, so that’ll save us some time.” Miho looked back and smiled at Rei, who was visibly disgusted. How could this woman be so kind and happy at a time like this? Then Rei remembered that she probably went through this every couple of days. He rolled his eyes and continued walking.

Miho pushed open a large, steel set of doors. Rei stepped inside the white abyss. He was at the start of a long hall, which had three doors on the left side, and two on the right.  Miho led him into the first door on the right, which, as Rei discovered, was a nurse’s office.

“Seijuro! We have a new patient.” Rei looked across the room at the orange haired man sitting at a desk, seemingly doing paperwork. He spun around at Miho’s voice. “This is Rei Ryugazaki.”

Seijuro stood up and extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Rei. I’m Seijuro.” Rei shook the man’s hand. “Let’s get you checked in.”

Rei sighed and gave the two nurses all the information they needed. After he was checked in, Miho handed him a bag his parents had packed, and Seijuro led him out of the room.

“Goodnight, Rei!” Miho sang out as he left the room.

“Night,” Rei mumbled.

Seijuro opened the room directly next to the nurses office. “This’ll be your room. Another boy stays in here, his name is Nagisa. The boys are in the recreation room right now, but in--” Seijuro checked his watch. “Five minutes they’ll be in the rooms. You’ll get the full tour tomorrow. Just get a good rest tonight.” Seijuro clapped Rei on the shoulder. “Goodnight.”

With that, the door slammed shut and Rei was left alone in the grey open area. There were two bunk beds, which left a bit too much space in the room. He eyed the two beds; one was unmade and had objects around it, while the other was made and clean. He laid his bag on the clean one and sat down. This was the last place he wanted to be. This was the worst.

He started going through his bag, looking for clothes. He found a pair of sweatpants, a shirt from a concert he attended the previous summer, and clean boxers. He stood up and untied the hospital gown. He stepped into his boxers and was about to pull the shirt over his head when the door opened.

A short, blond boy was at the entrance. He was thin, frail, and had a hollow face. Rei stepped back and tried to cover himself. The boy smiled widely.

“You must be Rei.” He closed the door behind him. “I’m Nagisa. Nice to meet you!”

Rei put his shirt on and nodded. “Um, yeah, nice to meet you too.”

“Sorry for making our introduction awkward.”

“It’s okay.”

Nagisa sat on his own bed. “How old are you?”

Rei pulled on his sweatpants and sat down. “I’m sixteen.”

Nagisa grinned. “Me too!”

There was silence, as Nagisa thought of something to say and Rei hoped he would die in his sleep. This was embarrassing. His roommate was a small, talkative, cheerful boy. The exact opposite of Rei.

The smaller boy yawned. “I’m really sorry, but do you mind if I go to bed? I’ve had a long day!”

Rei, relieved, nodded and gave a weak smile.

Nagisa lay down and pulled the blankets up to meet his neck. “I’ll give you a tour tomorrow and introduce you to everyone! Goodnight Rei-chan!”

Rei stood up from his bed to turn off the light. There was still a dim glow from the hallway, and Rei used that to walk back to his bunk and lay down.

God he hated it. He hated it so much, already. This was bullshit. He would be fine.

Deciding to listen to someone for once in a while, Rei took the nurses advice and slept. He removed his glasses, set them on the floor, and rolled in to face the wall. Closing his eyes, he tried to concentrate on one thing to help him sleep. It turned out that the only thing he could concentrate on was Nagisa’s breathing.

He had never slept better. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah I'm sorry for another short chapter. I'm trying to get as much detail in before I start the actual plot, but I can't help it! Thank you for all your kind words about the fic, and I hope you enjoy the chapter ♥

Rei woke to cold hands on his back, moving him back and forth. He groaned and put his face in his pillow. “Rei-chan! Wake up!”

He rolled over to the blurry image of his blond roommate practically on top of him. “Nagisa, what is it?”

“Time to get up!”

He rubbed his eyes. “Can you pass me my glasses?”

Nagisa nodded and cheerfully hopped off the bed, reaching for the glasses. Though it was fuzzy, Rei could see the smaller boy put them on his own face. He quickly took them off and handed them to the other boy.

“Wow, your vision is bad!”

Rei pushed the glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “Hence why I need them.”

Hauling himself out of bed was a struggle to begin with, not to mention the fact that now he was in a psych ward. Rei stood and ran his fingers through his hair. “So what’s first on the schedule, breakfast?”

Nagisa looked at the ground, guilty. “Actually I woke up a half hour earlier so I could show you around and answer any questions.”

Really, thought Rei. This kid deprived him of what precious little time he had to sleep. He sighed and nodded. “Let’s go then.”

Once they were outside the rooms, Nagisa explained what each room in the long hallway was.

“So to the left of us is the nurses office. Seijuro, Miho, and Goro stay there most of the time. I assume you’ve met them. Across the hall from them is the solitary room, which is Rin’s room. He only gets two hours of free time a day. We get about six. Across the hall from us is Haru-chan’s room, and next to his is Mako-chan’s.” Nagisa grabbed Rei by the wrist and tugged him down the hallway.

“Can you explain who these people are to me?” Rei was beyond confused.

“Later!”

He sighed and followed the short boy. Past their room were two more, but without doors. He peeked inside the one on the right and saw chairs, a table, paintings, and guitars. It was the first room he saw that was a color, not a shade. Across from that room was a vacant space which was lined with couches and recliners, with a table in the middle and a TV on the wall.

“So, as you can probably tell, the room on the left is the recreation room. That’s where we spend most of our free time. On the right is the group therapy room. The one-on-one therapy room is attached to it from the inside.”

Rei nodded and continued down to the end of the hallway. It suddenly became one very large room. It reminded him of his high school; filled with chairs and tables. He decided it was the cafeteria.

“As you can probably tell, this is the kitchen. We have three meals a day and are encouraged to have snacks twice a day. They have a cafeteria lady working around the clock. The food’s not as bad as you would think. As long as you eat your three meals, she gives you whatever other food you want whenever you want. Unless it’s lights out, obviously.”

Rei trailed over to the other side of the room, which had a sliding door in the middle. He slid it open as Nagisa continued his commentary. “And last is the gym.”

Rei gazed inside. There was an empty spot in the middle that he assumed was for stretching. Surrounding that were different machines, and on the far side of the room was a pool.

“No one really uses it, because you’re only allowed in if a nurse is supervising. Rin usually spends all his free time in here. You won’t see much of him.”

“Nagisa, would you explain who these people are?”

Nagisa thought intently. “I really shouldn’t. But I’ll tell you the bare minimum.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“Let’s get settled in, I might talk a bit too much!” The blond laughed and skipped over to a kitchen table. Rei, shocked at the happiness in the boy, raised his eyebrows and followed, taking a seat at the same table.

“So, what do you want to know?”

Rei pondered the question. He wanted to know everything, but that was much too invasive. What did Nagisa even know about these other boys? He decided that whatever Nagisa knew was more than he did either way. “Whatever you want. Tell me about the other boys. How long have you all been here?”

“Well Rin’s been here the longest, I think three months. He’s the one in solidarity. Haru-chan has been here for two months. I think Mako-chan has been here about a month. And I’ve been here for three weeks.”

Rei nodded. “So do we all get along?”

“Except for Rin, yes. He’s very distant and hard to understand. He’s close with Haru-chan though.”

“Are they all our age too?”

“No, they’re all seventeen.”

“What are they here for?”

 “That’s kind of…I’d rather not say. But we’re all here for different reasons. Including you, I assume.” Nagisa shamefully pointed to Rei’s bandaged arm. He blushed and retracted it from the table, putting his hand under his leg.

“I’m sorry for pointing it out…it’s just—“

“It’s okay.” Rei felt blood rush to his face.

“I don’t think before I speak. I’m sorry.”

Rei looked up and forced a smile. “It’s fine Nagisa. Don’t worry.”

Nagisa weakly grinned. “Hey here come the others!”

Rei turned around in his seat. Coming down the hallway were three boys. They were all very tall and very well built. One had jet black hair and no expression. Another had brown hair and a constant smile in his green eyes. The last one had red hair and looked dangerous. He gulped. Fuck.

“What’s this, a newbie?” The red haired one called out.

“Haru, Mako, Rin, this is Rei.”

“I’m Makoto, nice to meet you.” The brown haired one sat next to Rei and extended his hand. “This is Haru,” he pointed to the black haired one sitting on his left. “And this is—“

“Rin.” The red haired one completed Makoto’s sentence. He sat across the table, next to Nagisa. He leaned over the table. “So what’s your poison? Attempt suicide? Cut too much? Too deep?” He stared intently at the bandaged arm. He grinned at Rei’s discomfort.

“Rin, really?” Makoto turned to face Rei. “Ignore him,” he whispered. “I’m glad you’re here getting the help you need.”

Rei wanted to bash his head into the table. Out of all the different types of people he could be spending time with, he had to put up with a schadenfreude, an introvert, and two happy-go-lucky’s.

A bell rang and the boys got up from the table. Rei followed suit and was led to the kitchen worker. They each picked up a plate and handed it to the cafeteria lady, who returned it piled with eggs, bacon, toast, and potatoes, along with a juice box.

“So what’s our daily schedule look like?” Rei asked sitting down at the table.

“Well after breakfast we get an hour of free time. After that is group for two hours. Another hour of free. Lunch for an hour. Individual therapy, which is an hour per person, which means the other four hours are free. Dinner for an hour. Bonding time lasts for two hours. Then lights out.”

“What’s bonding time?”

Makoto spoke through a full mouth. “We have a deal with the nurses. They don’t bother us during our free time in exchange for bonding time. Basically we sit in the recreation room with the nurses and watch a movie or something.”

“It’s bullshit.”

Rei glanced over at Haru, who had spoken for the first time. It was odd. His voice didn’t match his face or personality. His voice seemed content. Happy, even.

\--

 

After a group therapy session about sexuality and relationships, which he didn’t understand why that mattered, Rei sat down on his bed and pondered the session briefly. It had confused him. He wasn’t necessarily attracted to girls, but he wasn’t gay either. And he didn’t think he was asexual. Sex was just something Rei didn’t need right now. Was that wrong?

They had first discussed sexual identity with the group therapist, who had turned out to be Seijuro. Makoto spoke first, explaining his experience with coming out and how it lifted a weight off his shoulders. After that Rei had zoned out and tried to internally figure himself out.

As he sighed and laid down on his bed, the short blond entered the room. “Hey Rei-chan!”

“Hi Nagisa.”

The boy looked worried. “Are you okay? You didn’t speak much during group and you look upset.”

He sat up in his bed. “I just don’t want to be here.”

The smaller boy sat down on Rei’s bed. “I’m sorry. Can I do anything to make it better?”

“No I don’t think so. I’m going to take a nap, do you mind?”

Nagisa shook his head and smiled. “Feel better Rei-chan.”

Rei slid down again into his bed. He pulled the sheets up around him to try to keep warm. Then it happened.

Nagisa moved one leg to the other side of the boy’s body, and leaned over his figure. He softly, quietly, quickly pressed his lips to the other boy’s, applying the smallest amount of pressure and only holding the kiss long enough for Rei to know it happened. He quickly got up, turned out the light, and left the room with a faint giggle.

Rei stared at the ceiling. What had just happened? Why did it happen? Was it because Nagisa was trying to comfort Rei? Or for another reason?

Confused and slightly shocked, Rei removed his glasses and closed his eyes. _Well,_ he thought, drifting to sleep, _I guess I am gay._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look who finally updated   
> anyways, this chapter has a flashback character death, so trigger for that!  
> i hope you enjoy this chapter, i'm sorry it took so long to get up but I've been going through a bit c:

A humming noise and a faint light brought Rei out of his sleep. He squeezed his eyes shut and rolled into his pillow. He didn’t want to wake up in the hospital. He wanted to wake up at home. He wanted his skin to be free of scars.

“Rei, it’s lunch time, sweetheart.”

Miho’s soft voice was a harsh reminder that he wasn’t going to open his eyes to his purple room, but rather to the white one that had housed dozens before him.  When Miho had closed the door again, Rei blinked, moaned, and crawled out of his bed. Slipping his glasses around his ears, he tousled his hair and padded out to the kitchen.

Walking into the vacant room, he saw the other boys sitting around a table, eating the lunch. Nagisa immediately noticed Rei and waved him over.

Fuck.

Nagisa.

Rei had forgotten all about what happened before his nap. The kiss. What did it mean? And why did Rei want it to happen again? He felt blood rush to his face and quickly turned the corner to get his lunch. It smelt of deep fryer, which couldn’t be healthy considering they were in a hospital, of all places.

Approaching the cook, he picked up a tray and placed it in front of the window with a sigh. The cafeteria lady looked at him with empathy, and piled generous amounts of fries and a slice of salmon onto his plate. Giving her a weak smile, Rei headed to the occupied table.

Rei, trying to avoid Nagisa for fear of embarrassment, slid a chair between Makoto and Haru. Nagisa’s seemingly constant smiled faltered for a moment, before he dove back into his meal.

“How was your sleep?” Makoto glanced at Rei with a genuinely caring expression.

Rei weakly smiled. “It was good. I feel rested.”

Makoto nodded and grinned before piercing another fry with his fork. Rei quietly looked to his plate and took the salmon in his hands. He wasn’t much for sharp objects. They set off a part of his brain that constantly murmured _cut cut cut_. He tore it in two and took a small bite of one of the parts.

“So, Rei.” He looked up at Rin. “First therapy with Goro today. Telling all your problems and finding ways to cope with them. How do you feel?”

Rei understood why the others didn’t seem to like Rin as much as the others. He was intimidating and condescending. Neither of that bothered Rei. “Fine.”

Rin scrunched his eyebrows, displeased that he hadn’t raised a bigger reaction out of the younger boy.  He dove back into his meal.

Lunch was quiet, and Rei was nervous. Had Nagisa told the others what had happened? And if he did, did he add in lies? He had barley been here for twelve hours, how could he hate it this much already?

After the boys finished their meals in silence, they returned the plates to the kitchen and parted ways. Rei was the last one to return his dishes. There was another half hour until individual therapy started. He wasn’t sure what to do. He looked to the recreation room, where Haru and Makoto were curled up on the couch, watching what sounded like a children’s program. If Nagisa wasn’t in there, he was probably in his room. And Rin…

Actually, as Rei thought about it, talking to Rin seemed to become a lesser problem. He was sure that Rin’s rude outer shell wasn’t his true personality.  He padded over to the nurses office and knocked on the window.  Seijuro turned around in his chair and smiled. He stood up and came to open the window.

“Hey Rei, how’s it going?”

“I’m okay. I was wondering if I could go into Rin’s room?”

Seijuro raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Rei nodded.

The therapist sighed. “You can, but don’t expect much. And leave if you feel uncomfortable. It’s unlocked from the outside, buzz when you want to leave.”

Rei smiled and headed across the hall. He pressed his face against the small window, to see Rin lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. The room was quite similar to his own, but seemed to have a padded wall. He knocked at the door, and the red haired boy’s head shot up. He narrowed his eyes as his door opened and revealed the younger male.

“Hey, newbie. Why are you here?”

Rei shrugged. “They can’t see past you. I can.”

Rin burst into laughter. “See past what? There’s nothing to see past. What you see is what you get.”

“No one is genuinely an asshole. And if they are there’s a reason they are the way they are.”

Rin, anger rising, stood up. “Why the fuck do you think I’m in here? Of course there’s a fucking reason.”

“Rin. Calm down. I want to help. It doesn’t seem like they really connect with you and I just want to be a friend to you. You seem to need it.”

“There’s therapy, that’s the most help I’m ever getting.”

“But they’re not your peers. They don’t understand. More than likely they’ve never experienced this first hand.”

The taller boy gritted his teeth and slowly lowered himself onto the bed once again. “You’re just like Nitori.”

The other boy scrunched up his face. “Wh—“

Rin sighed. “Sit down, it’s going to be a while.” Rei did as instructed.

“About a month ago, two days before Makoto arrived, this boy came to the ward. He was quiet, petite, really introverted. Nitori. He was in here for suicide watch, I’m pretty sure. Anyways, I’ll skip the details. After about a week of him being here, he warmed up a little, especially to me, which was strange because I’m the fucked up one here. No offence, but I’m way less put together than the rest of you. He started warming up to me, and eventually we would spend all our free time together. I told him everything. He told me everything. Which is when it got dangerous.

“One night in particular he was really upset. He ran into my room right after I was done individual therapy. He started crying uncontrollably and I had no idea what to do. I tried to comfort him but I was shit at it. And god he was so loud and his cries were killing me, so I just kissed him to shut him up. I didn’t think anything of it, I was trying to calm him down and that was the first thing that came to mind. Then he was kissing me back and we were on the bed.” Rin’s voice quivered. “I couldn’t control myself. Soon we were having sex and I was just so…careless. I just let out all my frustration and hurt. And I lost myself.

“When we were finished, and I got my awareness back, I looked at him. And he was so…” He put his head in his hands. “Broken. He was bleeding and crying and I couldn’t believe that I had done that to him. I apologized like crazy, and he insisted that he was into it and stuff. I believed him. But the next morning, his room was empty. And I asked Seijuro, and they said they had to transfer him to another hospital.”

Rei opened his mouth to speak, to apologize for the friendship Rin had lost. It took him a few tries, but he got it out. “When you’re both out of the hospital, you can be friends. It’ll be okay, right?”

Rin stared at the other boy. “He killed himself three days after. It was in the newspaper, we get that here, and the nurses didn’t feel the need to check a seemingly harmless daily update on the outside world.”

There were no words for the heartache Rei felt for the elder. After a moment of silence, he quietly spoke. “So is that why you’re so…” He searched for the right word.

“Yeah.”

The boys sat in the hum of the air conditioner for a few minutes.  “Schizophrenic.”

Rei looked up. “Hm?”

“That’s what I’m here for. Schizophrenia. I hear shit. And see shit. I’m homicidal too. Tried to plan a massacre.”

He nodded. “I’m pretty self explanatory.” He jerked his head towards his bandaged arm.

“Rei.” The overhead speaker buzzed into the room and Miho’s voice echoed. “You have individual therapy now. I’m going to come unlock the door.”

“Okay,” Rei turned towards the speaker, before facing Rin again. “It was nice talking to you.”

Rin nodded. “I hope we can talk again soon. You’re not a bad guy. But I’m going to have to put up my walls outside of this one on one talk, okay?”

Rei stood up and waited at the door for Miho. He laughed, genuinely. “Sounds good.”

Miho came to open the door, and with that, the blue haired boy was off to tell his own problems to someone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *additional trigger warning for rape/torture mention*  
> writer's block sucks, but i successfully finished the next chapter! i've had a lot of stuff on the go, including going to the hospital myself, but i hope that you don't hate me for the lack of updates c:  
> i hope you enjoy, and as always, i love any comments!! c:

Rei sat across the room from a blond man, maybe in his earlier forties. He had a very friendly aura and didn’t seem like the kind of person who listened to people’s troubles for a living. But he knew better than to judge a book by its cover.

“So Rei, what goes through your mind when you cut?”

Rei swallowed thickly and thought honestly before answering Goro’s question. The man had introduced himself without a title, despite the fact that he probably had more education than the five patients combined. “A lot of things, I guess. Before I actually do it, my heart beats fast and I get nervous. I rethink it a few times, even though I know deep down that I’m still going to do it. And I’m really selfish beforehand. I don’t think, or care, rather, about how my family will feel.”

“That’s quite normal. You’re cutting yourself, not your family. It only makes sense that you would think about yourself.”

Rei nodded before continuing. “While I’m doing it there’s just so much calm. Like I breathe out and release everything with it. All the bad thoughts and feelings and I finally feel something. I’m not numb anymore. I can feel so much.” He wanted to elaborate, but he knew he would get carried away. In truth, he loved everything about the action of hurting himself. He loved the sharp sting of the blunt razor against his wrist. He loved watching that white line bubble with blood. He loved feeling the blood trail down his arm and pool in his palm before trickling off of his fingertips. He loved losing himself in it. He smiled the slightest at the thought.

“And after?”

The smile faltered. Rei sighed and shivered a little at the flashbacks of his father walking in on him bleeding, his mother spying on him, watching him slice off skin. “Guilt. Just an overwhelming mix of guilt and embarrassment and numbness again.”

Goro leaned back in his chair. “And isn’t that guilt what makes you want to stop?”

Rei nodded.

“Why do you cut, Rei?”

He pondered the question. “I think because it makes me feel something, which I know is cliché but it’s true. I really dislike myself too, and I feel like I deserve pain.”

“You can cope with pain in other ways. There are hundreds of ways. And they can make you feel something too.” He leaned back and grabbed a few papers. “So I’m going to give you a list of some of the most popular ways, and you can read through and see which might work best for you. Anything that involves materials or objects, we probably have in the group room. Just ask.” He handed the stapled information to Rei with a smile.

Rei reached out and took the papers, returning the smile and thanking Goro for his time.

“No worries Rei. I’ll see you tonight.”

Walking out of the dull, organized, blue room and into the messy, fun, bright one was uplifting for Rei’s soul. He walked slowly out into the hall, appreciating the human effect of the room. How it wasn’t perfect, not near it, but was still lovely nonetheless.

When he entered the hall, he heard a high pitched laugh coming from the room down the hallway. Nagisa. He was still in their room, and Rei didn’t want to face him quite yet.  And he knew that he wouldn’t be allowed back in Rin’s room so soon. That left Makoto and Haru, who were still cuddled up watching television in the recreation room. Despite the fact that he would practically be third-wheeling, Rei peered in the room with a shy smile. “Can I sit down?”

Makoto turned his head away from the TV and towards the entrance. He grinned. “Yeah, of course, come in!”

Rei reluctantly entered the room, and sat down in the chair closest to the couch that the other boys were on. He looked at the screen and realized they were watching a movie. He had seen it before, when he was younger, but he couldn’t remember the name. Fixing his glasses, he relaxed back into the chair.

“How was therapy?”

That wasn’t Makoto’s voice. The blue haired boy turned to see Haru gazing at him. He cleared his throat. “It was good. I’m not sure what it did for me, I mean, I feel the same as I did before. But I guess getting things off of your chest is good.”

Makoto nodded. “It’s hard to get something out of it right away, but give it time.”

Haru piped up again. “Hey, you were in Rin’s room earlier, right?”

Makoto sighed and his seemingly constant smile faltered. Rei noticed, but answered Haru’s question positively.

“How is he?”

“He seems to be okay.”

Haru nodded and Makoto protectively wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

“Hey,” Rei interrupted. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, uh, but are you two together?”

The brown haired boy pulled the other closer and smiled widely. “Yeah.”

Rei grinned back. There was a knock on the door.

“Haruka Nanase? It’s time for you individual therapy.”

Makoto kissed his boyfriends forehead before he mindlessly got up and left the room.

The couch looked empty with only one boy sitting on it. Makoto looked lost without Haru. I guess that’s how relationship’s worked. Not that Rei would know.

“How long have you guys been together?”

The lonely look faded from the elder boy’s eyes as he talked about his friend. “About a month.”

Only that long? As Rei remembered, Nagisa had said that Makoto had only been here for a month or so. “So you started dating as soon as you came in the ward?”

“Not right away. I had been here for about a week before we acknowledged anything. But it’s not a normal relationship—we spend every moment together, regardless of if we want to or not, so it’s hard not to become attached quickly.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

Any conversation starters were drowned out by the movie blaring from the television. Rei let the childhood memories flow over him and control his mind. He forgot about the bandages covering him, the scars haunting him, and the circumstances controlling him.

“How long have you been this way?”

Rei jumped at the sudden change in volume, from a quiet program to a voice right next to him. “What do you mean?”

“Like…ill this way.”

“Oh.” Rei felt himself blush and quickly scanned his brain, trying to remember. It seemed like forever. “Since I was twelve, I think. So about four years.” Memories flashed in Rei’s mind. “What about you?”

“About the same. I never thought it would get this bad though.”

He glanced at the larger boy’s arms. They didn’t seem to be scarred. But there was a multitude of reasons as to why he may be in the hospital. Self injury was just one of them.

“Is it just self harm, for you?”

Rei nodded. “That’s all. I don’t even think I’m suicidal. Maybe a bit depressed, though. I’m not sure. I just know that I’m dealing with stress in the wrong way. Do you cut?”

Makoto shook his head. “I’ve thought about it, but never acted. I have really bad anxiety. To the point where I locked myself in my room without food or water for three days straight right before I came here. It’s mostly panic disorder and separation anxiety.” Rei thought he saw the boy flinch as he said the last two words. “I’ve always had it. Whenever my parents left me with a babysitter I would cry from the moment they left to the moment they got back. As I grew older, the separation anxiety grew worse, which is kind of weird. It got really bad the week before I came here.” The green eyes glossed over and Makoto looked lost in his thoughts. He was clearly having some sort of flashback, and Rei wasn’t sure whether to let it happen or coax him out of it. He decided with the latter.

“Sorry.”

Rei shook his head. “It’s fine.” There was a brief silence. “Do your parents visit you now?”

Makoto gave a quiet chuckle and looked over at Rei. “They died. You probably heard of it. The home invasion that took place about six weeks ago in the town over. A group of men broke into a house, tortured and raped the couple that were living in the house, and then murdered them before leaving with a shit ton of money. Close to half a million dollars worth in items.”

He definitely remembered hearing the story on the news for what had to have been a week after it happened. The couple was said to have been tortured for close to four hours and died from their wounds shortly after the men escaped. They hadn’t been caught yet.

Rei felt as if he would vomit. He couldn’t imagine how Makoto felt. He didn’t want to. He had to hear about it for days. He had to continue life knowing that his parents murderers were still out there. He had to live without ever hearing his father’s voice or smelling his mother’s cooking ever again.

“I—I’m so sorry,” Rei managed to sputter out.

“It’s fine. I’m close to recovering from it. My grandmother visits. She’s very supportive and the most important person in my life as of now. “

Rei got up from his chair and sat down on the couch next to Makoto. “Let’s watch another movie and forget about everything.”

A grin spread across the other boy’s face. “I like that idea.”

-

After bonding time was over, Rei ventured back into his room. He had to face Nagisa sooner or later. His first full day here had been good, considering the fact that it was a mental institute. He had watched two more movies with Makoto, and Haru had joined them after his therapy. Dinner was good—hamburgers—and bonding could’ve been worse. They all watched one of the movies Rei already watched earlier that day, but he didn’t mind. Overall it went well.

When he returned to his room, Nagisa was already inside, sitting on his own bed, seemingly talking to himself. Rei opened the door and the smaller boy popped his head up. “Hi Rei-Chan!”

“Hi Nagisa. We need to talk.”

He sighed. “Is it about earlier?”

Rei nodded. “What was that about?”

The blond shifted uncomfortably. “I wanted to make you feel better. You seemed upset. I wanted to make you feel welcome.”

“The only thing you made me feel was confused.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No it’s fine. I know you had good intentions. It’s just that I’m really unexpierenced in every way, and I don’t know how to react to those sorts of things. So let’s just put it in the past, okay?”

Nagisa immediately agreed and tackled Rei with a hug.

“N-Nagisa!” The taller boy was visibly flustered.

With a giggle, he pulled away. “Sorry Rei-chan.”

Fixing his glasses, the blue-haired boy padded over to his bed. He sat down with an exhale. He paused for a moment before turning down the sheets and lying down in them.

“How are your cuts healing?”

Rei’s eyes flickered to his forearm. “I’m not sure. I haven’t checked. I think that it’ll trigger me if I look at blood.”

“Makes sense.”

Nagisa stood up and turned the light switch off. The sound of his feet padding against the naked floor echoed throughout the room.

Removing his glasses and setting them aside, Rei closed his eyes and tried to loosen his mind so that it could relax and sleep.

After a good ten minutes of absolute wakefulness, he heard the boy next to him murmur something.

“Hm?” Rei whispered as to not alert the nurses they were awake. “What Nagisa? I couldn’t hear you?”

“Rei-chan…”

“What?”

“Rei-chan…you’re beautiful.”

Even though they were only a few simple words muttered by a sleep talking boy, they put Rei at ease and let him drift off comfortably. He grinned just before falling to sleep.

_Scars aren’t beautiful, Nagisa-kun. You are._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major trigger for self harm in this chapter.   
> sorry for the messily put together chapter, but i needed character development badly c:   
> hope you enjoy it!

There was a scar-free area of skin on his wrist. It was a darker patch of skin that stood out among the bright white marks and the occasional fresh reddened slits.

He had to change it.

He ran to his closet and dug through the messy floor. In the back corner was a small box that held six razor blades, a small bottle of disinfectant, and a few bandages. He took the lid off and removed his new razor. It was the sharpest, longest, and thinnest. He had taken it from his mother’s shaving razor. He sat on the floor of his bedroom and placed in delicately on the clear area of his body.

He stayed like this for a moment. He always did. He let the adrenaline kick in and gave himself time to reconsider it, although he knew he never would. Then he picked up the razor between his fingers. He placed the sharp edge against his skin and pressed in. He looked away. Then he slowly, roughly dragged it over his wrist for about three inches.

He wasn’t prepared for what came next. Usually there were a few moments where there wouldn’t be a reaction. Then the blood would slowly bloom from the wound.

But not this time.

As soon as the blade pierced his skin, blood overflowed. It ran down his wrist and dripped heavily off his hand. It quickly splattered onto the floor and left large spots on the hardwood. He panicked. Everything started blurring together and time sped up. The bleeding didn’t stop and instead continued furiously. He could see his veins pulsing. He felt himself growing weaker. He couldn’t keep his head up or his eyes open.

“Rei!”

The blue haired boy’s head turned towards Makoto’s voice. He glanced around the room, and everyone looked visibly shaken. Miho had entered the room. What happened?

Right. Flashbacks.

They were in group. Rei had woken up in a good mood and had a good morning up until then. Up until Seijuro announced the topic of group: self harm. He kept control of his mind for an hour or so. Then they started discussing past experiences. It became too much for him and he quickly spiraled downwards.

The nurse wrapped her arm around Rei, encouraging him to stand up. He slowly, mindlessly stood. He glanced around the room. Rin and Makoto both looked afraid. Haru showed visible emotion, a strong disconnect. He seemed upset. And Nagisa. Rei felt his stomach rise in his throat. Nagisa looked distraught.

Following Miho out of the large room and into his own, Rei lightly thought about the flashback. It was just like it happened a moment ago. It was so vivid that he could practically feel the blood running down his arms. The incident that sent him here was traumatizing. And having it replay in his mind was horrifying.

“Lie down, Rei.” The boy obeyed and Miho bent down to his bed.  “I’ll get Goro to have your session in here. The first few days are always the hardest. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. We’ll leave your door open. Are you okay to be left alone?”

Rei nodded.

“Alright.”

The nurse left the door ajar as she left, walking away with her heels clicking against the hard floor. Rei felt as if every faded step sent him closer to loneliness. He peered at the clock that ticked above the doorway. It was nearly noon, which meant that free time would be starting soon. As much as he wanted to talk to someone, at the same time he didn’t. Everyone talked too much. They didn’t let him speak. Not that it was bothersome, Rei was usually speechless, but being able to discuss his problems would be nice. Especially with someone who was currently going through the same thing.

He sat in silence for a few more moments, listening to the seconds past. Listening to his life pass him by.

Rei heard the door next to him creek open, group was finished. He heard steps grow louder as they passed by his door and then fade away again. He looked down at his arm, wondering yet again where he went wrong and what he did to deserve the seemingly endless pain.

Footsteps entered his room and he glanced up to see a tall, thin boy in his doorframe. “Haruka.”

“Hi, Rei. How are you feeling?”

He racked his brain for a word to describe his emotions. “Numb, I guess.”

The older boy nodded and made his way into the room. “Can I sit down?” He pointed to Nagisa’s bed.

“Yeah, of course.”

Rei was shocked that Haru had decided to speak to him, especially one-on-one.

“Flashbacks?”

Rei glanced upwards at the boy. “Yeah, from the incident that sent me here. So pretty fresh memories.”

The boy nodded again. He awkwardly shifted on the bed and pulled down the loose sweatpants that hung off his hips.

“H-Haru—” Rei stammered. But then he realized.

At least a hundred thick scars lined Haru’s thighs. Some were snow white, others were flesh pink. Some were short nicks, others painfully long. Rei thickly gulped at the sight that was all too familiar to him. Looking at each mark he could practically feel the different emotions that had run through Haru’s head with each cut.

“You’re not alone.” Rei looked at Haru. “I know it feels like it. But we all fight demons. We all forget how to breathe sometimes. It’s easy to lose yourself. I’m not okay. But I’m okay with it. I’m okay with not being okay.”

-

The rest of the day flew by like a blur. He couldn’t remember what he placed in his mouth, what his discussion with Goro had been about, or what he did during all his free hours. He was allowed to skip bonding. Rei was still lost in the corners of his mind. He was hurting. He wanted to find something, anything, to take away the pain. His talk with Haruka had eased the loneliness. But it didn’t help the fact that he was alone.

The door creeked open and Rei didn’t bother looking up. He laid in his bed, and let the tears escape as they had been doing for the past hour. He closed his eyes to shut out the world. It was useless. Nothingness was crowding his mind. And it was deafening.

He felt someone crawl onto his bed from the bottom. They made their way to the top and turned Rei to face them. Rei did not open his eyes. The person wrapped their arms around Rei, one arm under his neck and the other around his waist. They rubbed his back soothingly. He breathed in. Mango and butter. Nagisa.

Rei no longer bothered holding back his tears. He cried. He cried so much. His body twitched when he exhaled. He could feel Nagisa’s shirt start to dampen. “I’m sorry N—”

“Don’t apologize for anything, Rei-chan. You’re upset. Just let me help.”

Rei looked up at the smaller boy next to him. He felt his heart rise to his throat. He had barley known him for two days, but Nagisa already meant so much to him. He was a friend. He let his mind take over his body.

Pushing himself up, he gently touched his lips against Nagisa’s. The blond boy stayed stone still for a moment, likely in shock. But soon, he moved his mouth against the other’s. His lips were wet and tasted sweet, Rei thought. Like home. He took his right hand and placed it behind Nagisa’s head. Pulling him closer, he increased the friction between the two, bringing his entire body into the other’s personal space.

Nagisa broke off the kiss with a smile. Rei smiled back, knowing he was too drained to do anything else. He gazed in the other’s eyes. Feeling himself fading, he spoke.

“Nagisa, I’m tired.”

“Alright.” He started to get off the bed before Rei reached out for his hand and hauled him back down.

“No. Stay.”

Nagisa looked at the messy boy in front of him. Swollen eyes, a flushed complexion, out of place hair. He wrapped his arms around Rei again.

“If you want me to.”

The blue haired boy smiled. Removing his glasses, he turned over momentarily to place them on the floor. Then, turning back into the smaller boy, he took his hand in his own.

And softly, to the scent of mango and butter, and the gentle humming of a familiar lullaby, Rei fell asleep in the arms of an angel.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who decided to get off their ass and start writing again  
> basically i've had a horrible few months as far as mental health goes. so this is just a little update to say i'm not dead c;

The negative space in his bed woke Rei at 3:46 am. He peered out of one eye at Nagisa’s bed, trying to see the other. Instead, he was surprised to see a small red light burning. He scrunched his eyebrows, trying to focus as much as he could without his glasses. Nagisa, or someone at least, was definitely sitting upright in the bed. But what the _fuck_ was that light? He knew he should sleep, but he couldn’t when he had questions that could easily be answered. He quickly hopped out of bed so that Nagisa couldn’t hide whatever the light was.

Nagisa yelped and the light disappeared just as Rei dove into the bed. “Nagisa what the fuck was that, we’re not allowed to bring electronics? Do you have a phone?”

Nagisa paused, then slowly nodded. “Yeah I snuck it in.”

Rei relaxed. He missed the world. “What’s going on in the outside?”

Nagisa sat speechless. Rei sat confused, then pressured further. “That wasn’t a phone?”

The blond boy stared down. “No.”

“What was it?”

Nagisa refused to answer. Rei took the other boys face in his hands and made him look at him.

“Nagisa.”

“Get off me, Rei!”

Rei removed his hands and quickly moved to Nagisa’s hands. There was an object in his left hand and he battled the other’s strength for it.

“Let...go!” Nagisa was almost screaming.

Rei fell backwards off the bed as he retrieved the cylindrical object from Nagisa. “Rei! Get in your bed, the nurses are going to come in if they hear us up.”

The blue haired boy scrambled back to his bed at Nagisa’s orders and covered up in his blankets before beginning to observe the object. It was warm, small, and papery. He held it up closer to his face and—

“Why the _fuck_ were you smoking a cigarette Nagisa?”

“Rei, they’re going to hear you!”

“I don’t care, you aren’t allowed to do that! You’re going to die from cancer or something.”

“Just shut up, it’s none of your business.”

Rei reached for his glasses, placed them on his nose, and stared at Nagisa in the dim light shining from the small window in the door. Neither spoke for a few minutes. Then Rei slowly walked to Nagisa’s bed.

“I’m sorry,” the smaller boy muttered.

“It’s okay.”

Rei stared at the boy’s face, dimly lit with a yellow glow from the hall light. “Why do you smoke?”

Nagisa fumbled with his hands and stumbled over his words. “Well, I, uh.”

The blue haired boy shook his head. “It’s fine. I mean, I cut. We all have our coping methods.”

Nagisa nodded and Rei noticed his glistening eyes. “Nagisa? Are you okay?”

He shook his head. Rei leaned in to the smaller boy and took him in his arms, pressing gentle kisses to his forehead.

“It’s okay. I’m not either.”


End file.
